Getting a Little Messy

In first grade I had a friend named Sarah.  We would play on the playground during recess, chasing one another and I would push her on the swing.  I went to her house to play, I think on more than one occasion, and attended her teddy bear tea birthday party.  There isn't much else I remember about her; I just know we had fun together.

My relationship with Sarah was my first exposure to someone with Down syndrome.  She was my six year old friend who played, went to school, and shared a life similar to mine.  Sure, she looked a little bit different, but that didn't matter; I just needed a playmate and I had one in her.

When Mason was born and we found out he had Down syndrome, it quickly became obvious that I had no clue the implications this had on one's entire life.  The low muscle tone--often requiring multiple types and years of therapy--, susceptibility to certain diseases, delay in development, shorter life-span.....all of these things were new to us and it took awhile to digest.

At six months of age, Mason began physical therapy, and at that point we felt this was most important for him so that he could learn to roll over, sit up and crawl.  We added speech therapy at 15 months, feeling he was ready to push forward in other areas of development.

Now that he's reached several milestones, we've decided to add Occupational Therapy to his weekly schedule.  Along with speech, this is his most significant area of delay right now.

Occupational therapy is something I never really understood.  In short, I guess you could say it's therapy to help people function properly in their jobs.  What is the job of a toddler?  One therapist said it this way:  to play, eat, get dressed, and go to the bathroom.

Mason won't begin these therapy sessions until the beginning of October, but we've started working on a few things now that we know need to be developed.

Eating.  I'll be honest here.  I've put this off because I didn't want to deal with the mess.  Now, I wish I had started it in GA where our kitchen table was on top of a vinyl floor.  We have carpet in this house, and I can guarantee that they will need to replace it when we move out.  Getting his spoon (or fork) into his mouth comes easily, but we're working on actually scooping or stabbing his food.  He would much prefer to stab the table or throw his utensils across the table.  Meal time typically consists of him trying to get food on his utensil, then he pushes his bowl/plate to me, I get the food on for him, push it back, and he gets it into his mouth.  And then he claps and smiles.  And I try not to think about the bits of food that are getting smeared into my beautifully refinished tabletop.

The mess is only bigger because Jennavieve is at the same developmental stage.  They cheer for each other when food ends up in their mouths, and laugh when it gets spilled on the floor.  If one of them has a fork, the other one needs one too. Even though it's getting messy, I have to remind myself that the mess is really not that big of a deal; the important thing is that these two are learning and growing and they are doing it together.

Appropriate Play.  Physical therapy focuses more on the gross motor skills (walking, climbing, jumping, running) and Occupational therapy helps with fine motor skills.  Manipulating toys, putting puzzles together, coloring, pretending to feed a baby doll--these are all the sorts of things that I try to have Mason do during the day.  He doesn't know that it's intentional, but I try to provide a variety of toys that will require him to work on coordination and grasping small objects.  As much a I dislike having pots and pans on my kitchen floor, I'm glad that he pretends to stir things in my bowls.  This shows that he's understanding how to use objects appropriately.

Dressing.  While Mason is still a little young to be doing this, I'm trying to take a little bit of extra time when I dress and undress him to show him how to pull up his pants, or stick his arms in the armholes.  The other day I gave him his pants just to see what he would do.  He knew they were supposed to go on his legs, but when he couldn't do it, they ended up on top of his head and we played peek-a-boo.  I'm learning to just smile and enjoy his playful spirit rather than become frustrated with his inabilities.

Sleeping in a bed.  This came somewhat out of necessity right now.  Jennavieve does not like sleeping in a pack and play.  When we moved to Florida we just brought one crib, so for a couple of months we had them taking turns in the crib and pack and play.  Mason is getting too big for a portable crib, so we finally put a mattress on the floor and he's been doing great.  Some days I have to lie down with him during nap time so he'll stay in his bed and go to sleep, but for the most part he just crawls in and goes  right to sleep.  It's really nice when he wakes up in the middle of the night and instead of sitting in the rocking chair to soothe him, I can just slip into his bed and snuggle with him until he calms down.  Extra bonus:  he looks super cute and like such a big boy laying on a pillow and under the covers!

Going to the bathroom....let's just say I'm going to let the therapist give me LOTS of advice on this one!  I've been encouraged, though, because Mason seems to know when he has a dirty diaper.  I see that as a really good sign, and we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.


I've learned in all of these things that I can only take one day at a time.  If I look too far ahead, I grow fearful and anxious.  And then I lose sight of what Mason can do.  He is growing and changing every day, and we are so very privileged to be able to participate with him in each step.  Bradley said it well  to me one night:  "We are so spoiled to have Mason for a son."

Yes.  Spoiled, blessed, loved, changed.  God is merciful and compassionate, and ever-so-good!

First Weeks of School

We are three weeks into school and still going strong!  Isabella loves going and always comes out of the building with a smile on her face at the end of the day.  Watching her enjoy this new season of life has been a privilege for all of us, and we are so happy with our decision to send her to school this semester.

I've always known that she was a social girl, but this has come out even more in the past few weeks.  When I ask her about her day, the first things she tells me are what different people were wearing that day, including the little girls who have 'these beads in their hair, Mommy.  And, when they shake their heads, they jingle.  Can you do that to my hair, Mommy?'

She didn't finish her snack for the first week of school.  Initially I thought this was due to her talking to those around her.  Nope.  No talking allowed during their short snack time.  So, then I realized that she's not eating her snack because she's too busy looking around at everyone.  She takes it all in, and I love this about her.

After we hear about recess and who wore what at school, eventually she shares with us what they learned.  Right now they're focusing on phonics and letter/number writing.  Much of this we had already done together, but reinforcement is great, and there is oh, so much more to school than academics.  One of the things they learn in Kindergarten is to write in cursive.  She was bubbling over one day when she explained to me that they were learning to write like the teacher.

Mallory has had the hardest time adjusting to Isabella attending school.  The younger two don't understand how to 'play' with her, and so for four hours she's without a constant playmate.  Guess who this responsibility falls on?  Yep, me.  And, I'm learning how to better involve Mallory in some of my household tasks, as well as try to find ways to spend focused time just with her.  On the days when I get it right, she says to me, "That was the funnest day ever!"

 It took me a few days to figure out the drop-off and pick-up system at school (aka, minivan parade), but now I think we have it down.  We try to leave the house around 7:10 so I beat the crazy traffic, getting Isabella to school a little early for some extra time with her teacher.  I'm so thankful that the teacher encourages this, and always has something for the kids to do before the official start of school.

Mason and Jennavieve are pretty much clueless about the change in our family, which is a good thing.  They roll with whatever comes pretty well.  Mason now recognizes the parking lot of the school, and gets pretty excited when he knows we're picking up his big sister.

I'm still adjusting to our new schedule and working to figure out how to best manage everything and everyone.  Something tells me I'll always be working on this as our children get older, job schedules change, and moves with the military happen every few years.  The Lord is teaching me flexibility, something I learn over and over again, and Lord willing, I'll be back on Friday sharing a bit more about this.

Reading with the Kids & a Great Resource

Reading books aloud to our children has always been something that I've enjoyed.  Thankfully, they have each grown to love it as well.  Sitting on the floor with all four of them crowded around is one of the best parts of my day.

Isabella (5) and Mallory (4) have gotten to the point now where they love chapter books.  I think it was two years ago when we started the Little House on the Prairie series.  It astounded me how much they retained at such a young age, so I made it a point to continue to incorporate longer books into our reading times.  Since then we've finished that series, read Ballet Shoes, Charlotte's Web, and the Pippi Longstocking series

As I was researching curriculum for our schooling decision this year, one thing that I loved about so many curricula was the read aloud book list they had for each grade.  Even though we enrolled Isabella in school this year, I wanted to keep reading to the girls each day.  It can be a bit overwhelming trying to decide where to begin, so I just went off of Sonlight's book list for Kindergarten and First grades.

I made a list of all the books they recommended.  My mom told me about Thriftbooks, an online used bookstore.  There are lots of used book options out there, for sure, but I have enjoyed Thriftbooks because they have free shipping.  The books ship within 4-14 business days, so if you need something right away, this probably isn't your best option.  We have no time restraints, so it was worth it to me to wait awhile and save money on shipping.  They didn't have all of the books on the lists, so I have my running list and will continue to check back as time goes on.

Our books have all arrived over the past few days and the girls loved looking through them. They opted to read The House at Pooh Corner first.  We can't wait for the little two to go down for their naps so we can get lost in the Hundred Acre wood.

What are your favorite books to read to your kids?  Any recommendations for places to purchase used books?

Emotions I Didn't Anticipate

Tomorrow is the big day.  Kindergarten begins and Isabella will sit in a classroom with 27 other students, learning and experiencing things that I'll only know about from what she shares with me at the end of the day.

Sending my oldest child to school has stirred emotions in me that I didn't anticipate.  The sadness about her growing up, jealousy of the teacher who will get to watch her learn everyday, and fear of leaving her in an unknown place--these are things I was prepared for.

What I hadn't expected was feeling nervous for me.  I have no reservations about Isabella's ability to be a good student, make friends, or even feel comfortable in a new place.  When we went to the open house this past Sunday, she waltzed into the school, steps ahead of the rest of us, like she had been going there for years.  She smiled and did an unprompted dance when I asked to take her picture.  She's going to love it.

Me?  I'm feeling nervous and jittery over the whole thing.  I remember driving back to school at the end of each summer to start a new semester of college.  As soon as I would turn off onto the exit of my University, my stomach would tie up into knots.  That's how I feel right now.

Will I make her late for school?  What if I forget to have her do her homework?  Will the teacher like me?  Will I be sure to fill out all the forms, show up for parent-teacher conferences, and remember all the other important dates?  How do I do this school-Mom thing??

Maybe I'm the only Mom that feels this way, maybe not.  It's one thing to be responsible for your own schoolwork, it's another to know that you are helping your child to be responsible and accountable to another authority.  I don't want to let her down.  And I want to help her to succeed.

I guess it's the same way with our children and the Lord.  We teach them about God.  We strive to live out our faith before them in humility and zeal.   We long to see them embrace the truth of the gospel and follow hard after Jesus.

At times I struggle with wondering if I've explained truths in a way my children can understand.  Did they get the reason for Jesus' sacrifice?  Are they coming to know God and His character?  Do they understand what it means to be pleasing to the Lord?  How are they ever going to learn how to walk in the Spirit if I keep losing it over the slightest irritations?

We do our best to present them with the truth, but the Holy Spirit must draw, convict, and renew.  The outcome of their faith is ultimately out of my control.

There are countless areas in the development of my children that are out of my control:  abilities, hobbies, career, relationships, faith.

I don't know if I'll always remember to show up for meetings on time, I'm sure there will be days when we miss a homework assignment, and it's possible she'll be late for school now and then.

But, I'm going to strive to do my best.  Just as in every other area, striving to teach and train, praying for wisdom and strength, seeking to live out every area of my life in a way that pleases the Lord, and in each area pointing my children to Jesus, entrusting them to the Lord over and over again.

Our Education Choice, for Now

Last summer we found out that we would be moving to Florida for Bradley to attend a six month long training.  We knew that this move would take place right before school started for Isabella, and that we would be moving again halfway through her Kindergarten year.  All year we would talk off and on about what to do for her education.  Public school?  Private school?  Homeschool?  There were, of course, pros and cons for each one, and we certainly tried our best to weigh all of the options, praying for wisdom as we made a decision.

Much of me wanted to homeschool.  The thought of pulling Isabella out of school halfway through to thrust her into a new school environment didn't thrill me.  If we homeschooled, we could be consistent for the whole year, and we'd be able to have a flexible schedule that would fit into our move this winter.

When we came to Florida in May to look for a place to live, Bradley and I visited a Christian school in the area that offered a half-day Kindergarten.  We observed a classroom of students and within about two minutes I knew that Isabella would thrive in that environment.

Isabella is the girl who will look for new people on the playground, make friends with them, and before we go home ask to have them over.  She waltzes into strange churches with confidence, longing to learn and participate in whatever everyone is doing.  Her love of learning and desire to make friends is a great combination.

I realized that my desire to homeschool this year was mostly about me.  My fears and my pride.

I was fearful of how she would handle a switch halfway through the year.  I was fearful that she wouldn't receive the kind of education I had always hoped.  If she went to school I wouldn't be able to 'control' her environment, her relationships or her experiences.

Deep down a big part of me wanted to homeschool so I could prove to myself that I could do it.  I could teach Latin, timelines, reading, do cool Science experiments and also take care of my other three non-school age children.  Somehow I felt like opting out of a homeschool education would make me a 'less-than' Mom.  I know that's not true, but I struggled with it.

I also worried about what some people would think of me if I didn't homeschool.  I feared judgment from all sides of the education opinion, not wanting anyone to think us foolish for choosing a particular educational route.  

Once I realized that I was making decisions based upon fears and pride, I was able to think more objectively about what was best for Isabella, and what was best for our family right now.

Right now we can afford the Christian school in our area.  I don't know if we will ever be able to again, but the cost of the school she's going to attend this year fits within our budget. 

I really like the idea of a half-day Kindergarten.  As much as I know Isabella is going to love school, I also think being away from home all day is going to be challenging for her.  Starting out with part of a day will help the transition.

If we had decided to homeschool I know I would have stuck with it and given it my best effort.  However, I also know myself and I know the needs of the rest of my children.  Providing Isabella with a good education right now would be challenging because of the immediate needs of my other children.  Our weeks are about to be filled with therapy sessions for Mason and we aren't able to choose the times for these appointments.  It's quite possible that we won't receive in-home therapy over the next few months, so having one less person to take will make it much easier.  Keeping to a regular schooling schedule may have been challenging, and ultimately frustrating for a routine person like me.

In short, I think Isabella's education would have seriously suffered if I tried to teach her this semester.  And, we have a great option that we're all excited about.

We won't know our next duty assignment until sometime late this fall, so we'll have to re-think the whole education thing again, and we may choose something different for next semester.

But for now, God has been so gracious to provide us with this option.  And I am so thankful.

It was a relief to put away the curriculum catalogs I had been pouring over for months.

I am rejoicing that I don't have to sit up at night looking over lesson plans, trying to figure out what to teach the next day.

I love that I'll be able to have a few hours in the morning with my three youngest.  Mallory is particularly excited about this, as she will be the oldest for a while, and I'm glad she has this opportunity.  It will be fun to see how all of our children develop over the next few months.

And, come 12PM every day, when we pick Isabella up from school, I can't wait to hear about her day, the friends she makes, and the ways that being in school will change her.

As we go through this big change for Isabella, and for all of us, we're continuing to pray for wisdom as I know there will be challenges along the way; this would be true no matter what type of education we chose.  

Our biggest prayer, though, is that we would continue on as parents who are training our children up in the fear of the Lord, and that Isabella would grow in her knowledge of God, believe the gospel, and have a deeply rooted faith that would bear much fruit.

All images via Callie Murray, Achor & Eden

The books that didn't make the list

We are book people.  If you had looked in our house a few weeks ago you would have seen piles of books in our bedroom, bins of books in the garage, and bookshelves full of them.

We've moved five times in our seven and a half years of marriage, and each time we go through our books, get rid of some, and pack away the others to save for another time.  Some have been read multiple times, others are still collecting dust for that perfect rainy day when we have time to sit and read {I think that might not come until our children are grown}.

As we've been preparing to put our house on the market, we went through the books yet again.  I took out a few that are on my list for 2014; I was trying to be realistic this year and not tackle more than I thought possible, so I think I started with maybe eight.  And, while I'm making good progress on those books, I was struck one day while reading to my kids:

How many books am I going to read this year that didn't make the list?

Books like Green Eggs and Ham, Biscuit's Snowy Day, The Little Engine that Could, and countless others that my children will hand to me as they climb on my lap to read and snuggle.

Could it be that some of my greatest reading accomplishments this year will be board books, paperbacks, and other children's classics that we read over and over again?  Not because they challenge my thinking or help me to grow in my knowledge of God, but because by reading them I'm spending time with my kids and instilling in them a love for reading.

And what about all of those goals?  Maybe some of the greatest goals we meet this year will be ones that we didn't plan.  Because we can plan and prepare and strive toward something, but in the end it's about what God has in store, His plans, His goals, His purposes.

God is at work in us, and if we desire to truly be sanctified, we will embrace those things that didn't make the list, but that come into our lives because God wants to make us more like Him.

A lesson learned through spaghetti

We were driving to the beach for a week of vacation with my husband's family.  Our oldest two girls had left home earlier that morning with their grandparents, so the car was quiet with just my husband, our 17 month old son and our 9 week old daughter.  The quiet was a nice break--no questions, no complaining, no bickering--a nice respite.

For, I don't know, maybe the millionth time, I handed a graham cracker to my son.

Maybe this time he'll actually put it in his mouth.  

I turned back around in my seat to continue the conversation with my husband.  And a few seconds later I heard it.

"Crunch.  Crunch crunch crunch."

Never before had the sound of crunching crackers made me cry.  But it did that day.

You see, for months we had been trying to get Mason to pick up food, or at the very least chew something with his teeth.  He refused to eat anything that wasn't pureed and fed to him on a spoon.  If we tried to put a piece of food in his mouth, he would just push it out with his tongue.  And, if we placed something on the tray of his highchair, he would throw his hands up in the air and literally freak out.

And I was tired of it.  Tired of pulling out the food processor for every meal to try and come up with something creative and nutritious for this little guy.

His inability and refusal to eat solid foods made me angry, sad, frustrated, and discouraged.  I felt like life was so challenging because I had to work hard to get food into him.

For five months, Mason continued to eat graham crackers and would occasionally pick up a Ritz.  Everything else was a no go.  Then, about three weeks ago, for the first time, Mason picked up pieces of pumpkin bread, put them in his mouth, and chewed them with his teeth.

It was a glorious day!

We've been slowly giving him more finger foods and watching as he figures out how to get them in his mouth.

Last week, we put spaghetti on his tray and he went. to. town.

I've never seen a kid more excited about eating spaghetti than he was that night.  He could not get it in his mouth fast enough.  He kept smiling, giggling, and kicking his feet with joy.

It was then that I realized I had made his eating an issue about me.  The time it took, the mental energy to think through every meal, the emotional struggle wishing he was different.  Never once had I considered how he must feel.

As I watched him chow down and become a messy glob of noodles and spaghetti sauce I saw my son experience a freedom that delighted his heart.

Mason is going to experience challenges of many kinds throughout his life, eating is just one of them.  And, as his mother, I'm going to walk through those challenges with him.  But I don't want to make those challenges about me.  I want to look at them through the eyes of my son.

I want to push him to work hard at what's challenging.

I want to rejoice in the little victories, that really aren't so small for him.

I want to be sad, not because I'm tired of him struggling, but because I hurt for him.

I want to look forward to his accomplishments, not because it will make life easier for me, but because his life will be much more full as a result.

I want to love him, and each of my children, in a selfless way, exemplifying to them the selfless love of Christ.

When Life Overwhelms

I'd like to think I'm one of those Moms who can wake up every morning with a joyful spirit, sit and read to my children for hours, play make believe whenever they want, do the laundry, make a great meal, manage our home, and still have time to chat with friends, workout and decorate my house in a seasonally appropriate way.

I'm not one of those Moms.

My heart struggles to rejoice and my tongue often reflects that with angry tones and harsh words to my children.

As I write this, dirty clothes are literally spilling out of the laundry room into the hall.

Last week all of my toilets had thick black rings in them.

I got a new phone this summer and still haven't moved my contacts over, so when I do receive texts or calls from friends, I have no idea who they are from as only the number shows up.  So I reply in generic terms to texts, trying to guess who it is that has sent me a message. Great friend that I am, huh?  And so much for phones that are supposed to be smart.

I forget to do things, frequently.  Like two weeks ago when I came home from Costco and Bradley said, "Did you see any utility trucks outside?  Are they doing construction somewhere?  We have no water pressure."   That fine print at the bottom of your water bill saying they'll cut the water off if you don't pay?  They mean it.  Especially when you haven't paid in two months.

Yesterday, I went out with the girls to get a few things and by the time I got to the store I couldn't even remember why I had gone or what was so important to buy that day that I rearranged our schedule and had to go.

I feel like I'm being buried under a huge mass:  my life.

People have asked me, "What's it like with four kids?"  I usually reply, "Oh, it's fine. We're doing good."  But Bradley called my bluff the other day when someone asked and he chimed in and said, "It's hard."

He's right.  I feel stretched, confused, scatterbrained, frustrated, and yes, overwhelmed.

This isn't the first time in my life I've felt this way, though, so I don't really think it is because I have four children. I was overwhelmed when I graduated from college, got married, had my first child {I loved reading this post about that}, and found out that Mason had Down Syndrome. It's just that anytime our life circumstances change, we must learn to juggle the new, whatever it may be, and learn to rearrange our hearts, minds, and daily activities to accommodate it.

So, what do we do when life overwhelms?

The temptation is to either seek pity or a pat on the back from those around us.  We bombard our Facebook statuses with updates about how challenging our life is, or we list out all the things we accomplished in a brief 24 hour period, hoping that someone will comment and tell us how great we are for all those things we did and for bearing up under the pressures of difficulty.  We tend to direct attention to ourselves.

And, then we compare ourselves with others when we catch a glimpse of their lives.  We hear someone's complaint and think, "Oh, that's not that bad.  They should see what I have to deal with everyday."  Or, we might think, " I shouldn't feel overwhelmed by what's going on in my life because they have it so much harder."

The truth of the matter is that each of us faces overwhelming issues.  Life is hard and our days can be busy.  This looks different for each of us, but there is one thing that is the same:

God is not overwhelmed by any of it.

During the opening of our service at church on Sunday, one of our pastors said, "Nothing overwhelms the King."

I needed to hear that.  No matter how crushed or floundering I may be, God remains stable, a Rock.  He knows what's happened, what's happening right now, and what is to come, and He is not overwhelmed by any of it.

If I can take my overwhelmed heart and mind to Him and rely upon Him, He will graciously carry me through the moments, days, and seasons of feeling overwhelmed.

How do I cultivate the right attitude in the midst of feeling overwhelmed?

I need to strive to glorify God and point others to Him, not to myself or to my struggles.

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory." {Psalm 115:1}

If I simply make it through a day, it's only by God's grace and strength.

If I accomplish anything on my to-do list, it's only by His power.

If I'm struggling, I need to admit it and seek the prayers and encouragement of those around me.

Let's be sure that as we face life's overwhelming flood that we are relying upon the stable Rock to carry and enable us.  And, let's be quick to point each other to God's powerful grace when we see another floundering.

When my life overwhelms, please, don't give me pity or a pat on the back.  Pray for me.  Encourage me.  And, please, point me to Jesus.

Our Weekend: Bringing Home Baby

This weekend ended up quite gloriously!  After spending two weeks in the NICU, we were able to bring Jennavieve home!  I spent much of Sunday afternoon holding my precious baby girl, staring into her face, and reveling in the fact that she is really ours, she's home, and our family is together at last.  The girls are doting big sisters, giving her toys, wanting to hold her, and being very interested in everything about her.  Mason is still trying to figure out this new person who has interrupted his life.  At one point, Mason would cry every time Jennavieve cried.  He's always had a tender heart, but I'm hoping this phase will be short-lived.

I can't believe we really have four children.  Even though Jennavieve is 18 days old, not having her with us day in and day out the past two weeks made it seem like she wasn't really part of our lives.  When we got into the car on Sunday to come home, I turned around and just had to shake my head that there were four carseats in the back, with four little people filling them.  What are we doing? How will I ever manage these little people?

And then I was reminded that I can't manage them, on my own anyway.  There's no way that I can do anything apart from the grace and strength that God gives.  Even though I don't know what I'm doing, I know that God does know what He's doing.  I might be tired, I will surely mess up, there will be tears and laughter, but through it all, as I lean upon the grace of God, I will be able to fulfill my role as Mommy to these four precious people.


Linking up with:

Book Recommendation

About two weeks ago I was looking through my status updates on Facebook, and came across a link for a book that sounded great.  Feeling especially overwhelmed and inadequate as a parent that day, I quickly went to Amazon and ordered the book.  I have NOT been disappointed!  Because this book is centered around the Gospel, it not only gives insights into parenting, it also challenges my faith, encouraging me to fear God more.   

I've only read a few chapters, so I can't speak for the book in its entirety, but of what I've read thus far, I would highly recommend it.  There are discussion questions at the end of each chapter, so it could easily be turned into a small group study book.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I am!

If you are interested in purchasing, simply click on the picture and it will take you directly to Amazon.